


Imperfect Sex

by lyricalsoul



Category: Sherlock Holmes (1984 TV), Sherlock Holmes - Arthur Conan Doyle
Genre: Bad Sex, Humor, M/M, all dialog, twin bed shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-28
Updated: 2012-01-28
Packaged: 2017-10-30 06:14:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/328675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lyricalsoul/pseuds/lyricalsoul
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A horny Holmes and Watson attempt to have sex in a small bed at a small manor. Hijinks ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Imperfect Sex

**Author's Note:**

> Written ages ago for the Imperfect Sex is Not the End of the World challenge. All dialog, once again.

"Ouch! For heaven's sake, Watson!" 

"Sorry. If you would but lie still for just a moment..." 

"If you wanted a corpse, I do have friends at the mor- WATSON! Do stop jabbing me in the ribs." 

"I'm trying to move down so I can... all right. Better. Ah, what have we here?" 

"If you do not know..."

"So very hard. Perfectly formed. Wonderfully large." 

"Yes, but how do I taste?" 

"Well, let me find out... Oh, just delicious. Perfect. Wonderful. Mmmm..." 

"Watson! Your teeth!" 

"Sorry, sorry. I'm hanging off the end of the bed." 

"That's no excuse for scraping your teeth against my-" 

"No need for dramatics, Holmes. We'll pass on the fellatio, and try something else." 

"Dear god! Move!"

"What is it?" 

"Your knee! It's crushing me!" 

"What? Where?" 

"Get your knee off my testes, Watson!" 

"So sorry, Holmes. Are you in pain?" 

"It's fading. Cease with the acrobatics, and stay with the familiar." 

"It is not my fault that the bed is small. If you would cooperate..." 

"I am cooperating! Move your leg... there. Okay, now hand me the oil." 

"I can't reach it with you on top of me. You get it." 

"Oh, dear... move to the side. The OTHER side, Watson! Must you be so dense?" 

"All right. I'm no longer interested in indulging you tonight. Get off me." 

"What? What the devil are you talking about?" 

"Move your hand, and let me up. I'll not lie here and be insulted." 

"I didn't mean it that way, Watson. This is just damned awkward." 

"You are the one who insisted we do this..." 

"I found myself incredibly aroused all through dinner." 

"You are always aroused when the game is afoot. The walls here are so thin, surely they will suspect..." 

"They won't if you would cease talking." 

"Fine. Let's just be done with it then." 

"Now, now, dear fellow, no need to get in a dither." 

"Move your foot, Holmes. And get the damned oil." 

"I have it. Can you turn a bit...?" 

"I'll fall off the bed if I do. Why do you not use your... HOLMES!" 

"If you insist on yelling out my name in that fashion, the entire house will be roused." 

"You grabbed me by my hair!" 

"Still no cause to shout so." 

"This is utterly ridiculous." 

"Stop complaining and hold on to the side of the bed. Thank you. Relax, if you will..." 

"Ohhh... OH! Ouch! When was the last time you trimmed your nails?" 

"Last week. Do you want me to stop?" 

"Just...use more oil. Mmm... that's better. Much better." 

"You relaxed rather quickly. Are you ready?" 

"As ready as I'm going to be, given the circumstances. Are you?" 

"Since dinner. Hold your leg there... stop squirming about!" 

"It... tickles." 

"Be still!" 

"Trying... ha ha ha!" 

"Watson..." 

"Sorry. Go on." 

"If... I cannot fuck you properly if you will not be still!" 

"I told you, it tickles." 

"Damned odd place to be ticklish, Watson." 

"If you would stop teasing and pressing so, it wouldn't tickle." 

"I don't want to hurt... god, that feels like heaven." 

"I agree. Dear lord, I agree. Oh, Holmes..." 

"Be still. Do not move a muscle." 

"I..." 

"I mean it. Watson, do not... stop doing that!" 

"I'm breathing! How can I stop that?" 

"Try!"

"All right. Oh... that is... Oh, my dear man, that feels so delightful!"

"Watson, please don't mo- Oh... dear me... OH!" 

"Holmes?" 

"Mmm... Yes?" 

"Have you...?" 

"I told you not to move." 

"But... Holmes, I am not even close to completion." 

"Don't worry, I'll take care of you." 

"Blast! Warm your hand first!" 

"Sorry. Better?" 

"Use the oil. Your hand feels like jagged rocks." 

"We cannot all have soft physician hands like you." 

"Just use the oil... Ouch! Stop squeezing so tightly." 

"I thought you enjoyed rough ministrations...?" 

"We usually work up to it." 

"Fine. Are you getting there?" 

"So quickly? Are you in a hurry?" 

"Yes." 

"Places to go?" 

"I need to wash, so if you could hurry along...?" 

"Forget it. Move your hand." 

"I've done it again, haven't I?" 

"You have. Move your leg. Oh, for heaven's sake!" 

"Keep your voice down! Perhaps I should have used more oil." 

"You certainly have perfect hindsight." 

"If you would be so kind as to hand me the cloth..." 

"I can't... reach... OMPH!" 

"Watson! Are you all right?" 

"I'm fine." 

"You hit the floor rather hard. Are you injured?" 

"Just my pride. Cease talking, Holmes. And hand me a pillow. I think I'll just sleep down here." 

"I am sorry, Watson. Truly." 

"You are in my debt, dear fellow." 

"Of course. Tomorrow, you may ravish me. Wherever you like." 

"Wonderful. Good night, Holmes." 

"Watson?" 

"Yes?" 

"You never did hand me that cloth..." 

 

Fin


End file.
